The Horse Who Wanted to Be Sneaky

  Max was a horse with a life much like other horses.  He grew up in a barn in the middle of a very large pasture in the heart of New England. What made Max different from other horses was his keen observation skills. Every day he would watch the other animals and try to understand what they were doing. He watched as the chickens scratched the ground, the dogs herded the sheep and the goats ate...well pretty much anything. However, the animals most interesting to Max were the cats. There was a cat that all of the horses called "The Bum" who was fat and aptly named. He did very little except for gorging himself on table scraps. There was also "Speedy" who did not have an off switch. He moved at speeds sometimes even the horses were impressed by. The third cat though, was called "The Snatcher" and he was an excellent hunter. Mice, birds, even a small dog was once pounced upon by the The Snatcher and he made it look easy.

    Every chance he got Max watched The Snatcher on the prowl. He intensely studied the way he crouched his body and slowly and methodically crept along the ground, closer and closer to his target. Max could feel the adrenaline and regularly found himself envious of this ability to sneak up on other animals. One day while he was in the field grazing, Max found himself alone in the field with The Snatcher. He walked up to him like his biggest fan and said "Hello The Snatcher, my name is Max!"

    The cat looked blankly at him for a second and then said "The Snatcher? What is that?"

   "Well that is what you are called!" Max retorted.  "That's what we horses call you!"

   "THAT....is NOT my name!" said the cat "I am  Wilifred the Champion of the Barn Kingdom, servant of the Cat King, Whiskers the Steadfast!

   "Who is the Cat King?" Max asked puzzled.

   "Why he is the large cat who sits near the house and is fed scraps all day long by Mr. and Mrs. Smith, his human servants, who live in the house" Wilifred informed him.

   "Oh...We just call him The Bum" Max replied.

   "What!?!?  Do you know what you have just done? You have committed blasphemy against the Cat King!" Wilifred shouted at the horse.

   "I am sorry, I didn't know" said Max. I just wanted to come talk to you and ask if you would teach me to be sneaky. I see you all the time and am very impressed with your sneakiness."

   "Why thank you!" the cat replied. I would love to teach you but I do not think your large equine body is cut out for the graceful majesty of sneaking.

    After much negotiation, begging, pleading, neighing, crying and promises of naming his first born after him, Max persuaded Wilifred to teach him the art of sneaking. The reader will not have trouble imagining how bad this went as horses are not known for their stealth abilities. It began with terribly awkward attempts at trying to crawl while Max was laying down and ended in something like a full barrel roll down a hill. Wilifred the Champion however, secretly found this experience to be one of the most hilarious he could remember in all of his life.  If one were to ask Wilifred what his favorite moment of the day were he would say it was when Max tried to sneak up on Mrs. Smith while she  fed King Whiskers the Steadfast and Max made such an awful noise and looked so pitiful (and slightly possessed) that she ran into the house screaming about a horse demon!

    When the day was over Max reflected on his utter failure and decided it was of no use to continue his new found practices. Max however, was always creative and decided to use this experience to his benefit and he asked Wilifred to start a rumor on the farm that Max the Horse, had reached enlightenment and was willing to share his wisdom with all of the animals. He promised he could teach them to think like other animals and help them achieve all of their goals more easily. To celebrate his new "enlightenment" he decided to take on a new name as well "The Tumbler". Max had no idea what a tumbler was or what a tumble was,  but Wilifred assured him it was a name fit for a sage.

    By the next summer the reputation of The Tumbler was so widespread tame and wild animals alike  traveled to see the oddly named wise horse in search of enlightenment, while Wilifred sold novelty items he found in the humans' house and created a small fortune at the expense of Mrs. Smith's china collection.

Many scholars feel that the Trojan Horse is a safe bet for "The Sneakiest Horse in History".

 picture source