She Felt Cold

   Diana Silverton looked down at her watch. It was ten minutes until her appointment with Pastor Wilde. She had walked across Bridgemoor Park on the way to the small church where Pastor Alex Wilde served; growing more anxious every step. It was a particularly hot summer day, one that she felt was an exact paradox to the way she felt. Diana felt cold. She felt emotionless and confused. She had always been a strong believer, but now things had changed. What was wrong with her? Was she sick? Did she lose her faith? Was their a secret sin? She had no clue, but she knew that if anyone could help her, it was Pastor Wilde.

    She approached the doors to the church and opened the one on the right side and stepped inside; shutting the door behind her. The room was bright, but not too bright. Simple, but very nice and clean. There sitting next to the raised platform in a fold-up chair was Pastor Wilde. The first thing Diana noticed was that his silver hair looked matted. He appeared to not have slept in days.

   "Come in Miss Silverton, you are right on time!" he said as he motioned her to approach him. His simple blue jeans and t-shirt surprised Diana as she expected such a well-reputed church father to look the part, but she shrugged it off as more pressing matters were on her mind.

   "Are you all right Brother Wilde you appear sick, or at least overly tired?" Diana asked.

   "No, no! I am fine. Just a little tired is all." the clergy man replied. "Let us not tarry too long my dear, what is it you wanted to see me about?"

   "Well, as you know Brother Wilde, I have been a believer my whole life. My parents raised me in the faith and brought me to church every time the doors opened. I also truly believe Brother Wilde, but..." Diana's voice began to trail off.

   "But what?" Pastor Wilde inquired. "You have made it this far, you may as well tell me the truth."

   "I have served the past five years at the hospital as a nurse and I love it. I have actively served at my church for the past eight years now, but despite all I do, there is something wrong. I find that my heart has grown cold...." her voice began to trail off once more.

   "Come, come! Do not leave an old man in suspense!" the pastor hastily replied.

   "Well..." she began again. "When I help people, be it at the hospital or at the church I have noticed that I do not do it out of love for those I am helping. I do it for the praise and gratitude I get from the people I am helping. I am not interested in any sort of noble reasons or good causes. I am shamelessly seeking my own personal fulfillment. As a matter of fact I get exceptionally hurt and even angry whenever I am not thanked and shown great appreciation for my kindness. Can you imagine that Pastor? Me, a trained nurse and Sunday School teacher, demanding praise!"

   "Have you spoken to your pastor about this Miss Silverton?" Pastor Wilde asked.

   "Oh no Brother Wilde!" She cried in protest. "I am afraid to admit this to people I interact with daily. I will surely be judged by them! I am admitting to you that my heart is cold, it is wicked, and it is idolotrous. You see I was told you are the man who can fix my problems....please help me Pastor Wilde."

   "Listen to my words now, and forget your anxiety. The Spirit of God lives inside of his people. From the smallest to the greatest and he cares for them all. He knows your heart, he knows everyones heart. What you must remember is that all of our hearts are wicked and deceitful and only through God can we overcome the temptations of the flesh. The fact that you realize you seek these accolades instead of doing things for the right reasons means God is working in your spirit. I am quite confident that the realization itself is proof that you are a child of God and he always helps his children when they ask him for it. Have you asked him for help my dear?" the old man asked as he put his hand under her chin and lifted her down-cast face to where he could see her eyes.

   "That is what I am now doing Pastor, I am asking you to help me ask God." Dianna said as she began to cry.

   "No my dear, you have proven by your admission that you are his child and now you must go to Christ himself; he is your advocate." after saying this the pastor removed his hand from her chin and turned away from her taking two steps before turning around. "There is no sin that God can not forgive other than rejection of Jesus Christ and him crucified. If you want your sin and your pain to go away you must ask him to take it away."

   "What if I can't stop?" Dianna asked at last. She finally realized what her real problem was. Why she felt so cold and so nauseated. Why everything felt wrong in her life. She felt she couldn't stop sinning no matter how bad she wanted to. She was worried she was on a never ending roller coaster of mediocrity and she would never be strong enough to break the bonds she was putting on herself.

   "Give it up every day. Ask Christ to take away your sin and your desire to sin every day, and then one day you won't want it anymore. When that pride demon returns in a weak moment one day in the future, return to this confession. This life was never intended to be simple, but rest assured that you are never alone for Christ lives in your spirit.